Amara Amaryah | travel + books + poetry, always poetry. a platform for story-telling, visuals, positive self-talk and empowerment | Personal Essay On Return.
hi. or, hola mi gente que bola?
The impulsive energy of the full moon in Aries has brought me back here to shout, without plan or permission, and take up space on my own part of the internet because I suddenly remembered that I can and this is the very purpose of Aries energy, no?
So much has changed since my last post, mostly, that I am writing this from San Cristóbal de las Casas, a mountain town in Mexico. It's not a long story but I won't be dedicating words to it here as it is one I may tell another time, maybe with some travel photographs because … it's me.
This post though, is about the quiet magic of returning. I don't just mean it how I usually mean it, it is not just returning to self. Today I write of return and I mean to life itself. This year, I have observed many loved/new ones, myself primarily, go through a series of changes that for the most part had no neat, perfectly legible instruction guide. We, the ones I was telling you about, have shed much and released almost all that can no longer be. We have outgrown in the most inconvenient ways without adequate language to explain it to even ourselves sometimes and, I must say it, we have transformed into something very new. Rather, something newly returned. It isn't really a revolutionary thing, it is quite natural but it has happened to me with such obvious realness that I want to talk to you about it. For instance, I slowly responded to friends checking in and with every over-written update-turned-reflection I forgot to mention that in all the shifts, I found some semblance of a past life that felt warm. Safe. It hasn't all been a series of scary endings and fresh chapters. It has felt well-timed, like a beckoning back to someone who isn't mad at me because it is impossible for me to forget everything anyway. Of course you have made it back here beloved, it is where you belong - that is what it says to me, and I receive myself, smiling with my head bowed because I agree. Yes, I have returned to myself (but only, I've noticed, when aligned and intentionally living) and it has reawakened who I am and have always wanted, waited to be.
The thing I am learning about change is that often, it is a call to return, except to places and in voices seemingly foreign. It also usually challenges what you think makes you you. If you're anything like me, maybe this is what frightens you but I can promise that it is all very knowable actually. You know it and if you sit with it long enough you'll get what I mean. These days I observe where I feel most Amara, or to be more descriptive, where I feel most alive, and it is always the same. Not in place, or person or year or even in the way I choose to retell it romantically but more so in the feeling of always somehow landing on two feet. I do the dangerous work of listening to intuition quite natively, strolling calmly into my next phase as though the fear never even happened.
I used to speak on my 'comfort zone' to motivate me to Become in a louder, less timid way. I no longer do. There is nothing wrong with comfort zones it's just that it no longer fits my lifestyle, I think I have to now use the word curiosity instead. As in, it is beyond where I have previously explored, but now I am more curious, or more able or willing or ready to be. Change then, a little like leaving, is honestly just an embrace to the curious intuition. It allows for a return to what has always existed right there, quietly (magically) waiting to be noticed or remembered.
Maybe this is a letter more than a post. I might be writing this to formally - no wildly - embrace my old self who is in all openess just my renewed self.
Thanks for reading what I write.
Yah bless, all ways